We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
