I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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