theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
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