He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
