Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
