My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
