i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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