I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
this hospital has no fireball
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
