Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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