i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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