I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I think people are normalizing furries
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
