Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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