Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize