youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
