So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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