I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
