Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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