I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
