Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize