don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
