Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
