Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
