Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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