You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
