Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
