Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize