If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
