I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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