Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
