I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
