I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
