My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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