brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
