My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Of course I have a pirate flag
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
