You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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