I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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