his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
