I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
