apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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