Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
