Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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