All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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