Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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