On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
