my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
