im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
