Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Randomize