so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
how drunk are you?
Several
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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