I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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