i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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