i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
