That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
