I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
