I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize
