im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
