Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
